My daughters had the great fortune of being born with seven grandmothers in their lives. All their grandmothers, great-grand mothers and even one great-great-grandmother were still living when I became a mother. Through these generations of amazing women and the stories my mom-friends have shared about their mothers, I’ve learned a lot about how grandmothers have saved us from jumping off a cliff in those early years of motherhood and how they’ve (at times) drove us so mad that we’re prepared to take that plunge!
In an effort to remember them and their ways during the early years of grand-parenthood, I’ve written the following letter to myself for the time when/if I get the sincere blessing and privilege of becoming a grandmother, too.
Dear me in 30ish years,
Congratulations, you found out you’re going to become a grandmother. This is an incredibly exciting time and you’re going to have the urge to immediately go shopping, but remember, despite your desire to buy the entire baby-section at Walmart, you don’t know whether the baby is going to be a boy or girl and your daughter probably doesn’t have space to put piles of baby clothes, right now. Hold tight. There will soon come a time when practical, easy-to-put-on-clothing, will be very much appreciated.
Prepare yourself. You’re probably not going to be the one your daughter turns to for pregnancy and parenting advice. She’ll most-likely resort to the new-aged baby books (or whatever type of online platform exists now) over your own experience. Don’t take offence to this. She will eventually learn that you were right, but she needs to figure that out on her own. Also, keep in mind that given how quickly parenting rules change in society, some of the things you did are probably illegal now.
As a general rule, if you want to keep your pregnant daughter happy, avoid the topic of baby names. If your daughter does talk about baby names, don’t show any type of dislike for ANY baby name brought up. Even if she throws around a name like Meldor, smile and say, ‘that’s nice’. Chances are, Meldor will be the one she has her heart set on and if you think your opinion is going to influence hers, you forget what’s it’s like to be a young, stubborn woman with a wise, strong-willed mother. Plus, even if Meldor sounds horrid to you now, once your grandchild is born and given the name Meldor, it will grow on you and you may even learn to like it.
Admit it, you don’t really remember what it’s like to deliver a baby. That awful pain you felt and the heavy fog that hung over you after baby was born has been replaced somehow with memories of pure joy and happiness. Comments like, ‘it’s really not that bad’ or ‘my labours were easy, so yours will be too’ are pure lies and deep down you know it.
Despite your knowledge of the suffering your grown child is about to encounter during labour, you’re going to be more excited and gitty than a 16-year-old girl. Your mama-bear instinct is going to kick in and you’re going to want to push Dad out of the room and be the one your daughter labours with, but if there’s a co-parent in the delivery room, respect his or her wishes too. If they decide they want you there, then be there, but don’t put them on the spot by asking and definitely don’t beg.
When you go visit your new grandchild, always remember to CALL FIRST! If it’s a good time to visit, remember that unless you’re holding the baby, you should not be sitting down. There will be laundry to do, dishes to wash or possibly other children to tend to. Unless your daughter needs your shoulder to cry on, your ear to complain to or a non-baby conversation to remind her that life is continuing on, find a way to help—particularly in those very early days. Definitely don’t expect to be served or catered to.
Remember, that despite how awful your daughter acts toward you in those early days, she still loves and needs you. She may now get stressed and angry when you talk about her garden or her need for esthetic home renos, where before baby, those conversations were welcomed. Keep in mind that she probably hasn’t had time to shower in a few days and her life has been flipped upside down, so the last thing she wants to think about are things that need to be done to the house and yard.
I hope you haven’t forgotten your mother coming in and doing your laundry or your mother-in-law quietly working outside on your garden in those early days. That’s what your daughter needs right now—no comments, just help. Patience is a virtue and you’ve had a lot of practice at it by now, so bear with her. Don’t forget the thoughtful, kindness you received and what your Mom put up with when you became a Mom. It’s time to pay it forward.
Speaking of paying it forward, remember all those times your parents took the kids for you and gave you some time to yourself? Well, it’s your turn. When your grandchild is old enough to come over by themselves, offer to take the baby, so your daughter can get some rest or go out and feel like a human again. And, we all know that what happens at grandmas, stays at grandmas, right? This is true, to an extent, but if that child is returned home sick, exhausted, or in the midst of a sugar-induced temper tantrum, you’re probably going to hear about it. Whatever the grand parenting rule books say today, it’s probably best to simply remember that if you want to have your grandkids back over, it’s best not to fill them with sugar and keep them up all night.
I know this all probably seems like a lot for you to remember, but most of it will come naturally to you because you’ve been blessed in your life with loving, strong, thoughtful women whose wise-ways will guide you. Enjoy your grandchildren, be there for your children as they raise their babies and remember to have your own life, too!
Lots of things change generation to generation, but the one thing that always remains the same is the unconditional love and support our family has for our children and each other.
Sincerely,
Your younger, less-wise, less-wrinkled self.
PS- Dear God, I hope you know how to make a pie crust by now. Don’t forget how much you looked forward to pies at Nanny’s. What are your grandchildren going to do with all the strawberries and apples they pick? If your daughter is anything like you were, she’ll have no clue how to bake, so this is on you, now. Chop. Chop.
Meet Natasha!
My name is Natasha Ashfield and I am one of those insane moms who had three babies in three years (and no twins)! I grew up in Hampton, N.B., but I’ve made a second home for myself in Fredericton with my husband and three girls who are now six, five and three. My husband and I both work fulltime and enjoy our jobs, but we live by the ‘work to play’ motto. We will probably never be a wealthy family, but we’re rich with many of the things money can’t buy. As all moms know, motherhood is not all sunshine and roses though. Life has certainly been a rollercoaster since I’ve become a mama, but there’s been more ups than downs and I look forward to sharing some of those experiences with you and hearing about other parents’ experiences. We’re undertaking the hardest, most important job we’ll ever have, so having a network of others to share information with, vent to, laugh with and learn from makes the rollercoaster that much more exciting.
Likes: weekends, This Is Us, my minivan
Dislikes: long lines, itchy clothing, Donald Trump
