Mom friends…the title itself can make a childless female cringe. I get it, you wonder why someone who was once an acquaintance should become your BFF solely because you both birthed a child. Pre- motherhood I had those exact thoughts and remember on occasion talking about this very phenomenon with my fellow childless friends.

Photo: southeasternct.fit4mom.com

I was never going to be that mom; you know the kind of mom that travels in the ‘mom posse’. You see them everywhere, strolling down a sidewalk, 15 strollers deep, coffee in hand moving at the pace of an ant. They are distracted by their effortless conversation; they don’t notice you are trying to pass. You decide to squeeze past their enormous double wide stroller only to get your foot run over. You’re annoyed. You have some place far more important to be. You think to yourself “must be nice to stroll all day long”. You see them constantly posting to each other’s Facebook walls. Plastering photos of their “cool” outings, park and coffee dates, oh and my favorite one is the classic 500 babies dressed up and unwillingly placed on someone’s couch. You know the moms are all screaming like idiots behind the camera trying to get their 1 day old baby to look at the camera. Seriously mom friends, no one cares about your play dates.  They are the worst kind; the ones that make their love for one another public. We all know you’re only friends because you’re bored.

Fast forward 3 years…
I spot her perfectly manicured self standing on the other side of the gym. She’s alone. She looks like she has it altogether with her perfectly draped scarf. I bet her house is really clean and her car is probably free of crushed goldfish. She carries a travel mug and pulled from her bag matching Tupperware full of healthy snacks.  Oh god, I see her glance over. I immediately try to hide my large Tim’s coffee and 20 pack of Timbits I’ve been stuffing my face with.

Photo: 30minuteyogamom.com

We exchange no words but to my delight, something amazing begins to happen.  I’m watching closely, cheering my little Lucy on (in my head of course) as I see her moving closer and closer and closer to the mystical mom’s children. They connect, they giggle, they hold hands and… YES!!!!

First phase…complete.

Class is over, we go our separate ways. The entire drive home I beat myself up. Why didn’t I just go over and say hi! Wait, that would have been weird, right? She would have thought I was totally creepy and I wouldn’t have even had a chance with a woman who drinks out of a travel mug. I mean seriously, how do people not lose those things, and even if they don’t get lost, who thinks before they leave the house, “oh wait … just let me quickly add some coffee to my pre-washed travel mug-with matching lid!”

It’s a successful trip out my door if we simply get out the door.

A couple days later I was standing in line at a coffee shop with my mom and I spot her. She looks just as perfect.  I feel nervous; my hands start to clam up. I wondered if she even remembered me.  I avoid eye contact even though I think she is looking our way. Then it happened…she made a move!

“Hi there, is your little girl in our dance class?” (Oh god Rebecca, play it cool)  I say “ummm, I think so.”

And then she throws the perfect pickup line.

“ My girls were asking me to get an outfit just like the one Lucy had on, where did you get it?”

And with that, we become BMFF (Best Mom Friends Forever).

First new mom friend, Check!

Photo: www.mrshinesclass.com

A few months later and it happened again. This time there were two.  I spot them across the room, throwing their heads back in laughter, bantering back and forth. They look like they have known each other forever and have possibly spent the morning together at the salon, with their perfectly styled hair. If not, they must have very well behaved children who patiently play with their toys as they get themselves manicured each morning. They too definitely have a clean house and I bet their Sippy Cups are perfectly stacked and have all the matching lids.

Can I? Should I even try? I mean they seem fun, warm and very cool but this is going to be tricky.  Am I going to be like that guy, you know the guy at the bar who sees a group of woman sitting at table and decides to go over and start conversation?  No one wants him there but to be polite you side smile and try to avoid eye contact until he finally takes your social cues and awkwardly leaves.

Oh god, what was I thinking? There is no way I can go over there!

And then it happens again… Little Lucy to the rescue! As she points to the offspring of one of the Sippy cup stackers she says “Mom, see that girl over there? I really want to play with her!”

Yes! Of course I encourage her to go over and ask her to play! She is hesitant. Oh no, this must happen.  I encourage her some more and then… “Mom, will you come with me?”

Shit.

So, as any good mother would do I use this situation to teach myself, I mean her, a valuable lesson. I tell her that sometimes you have to be brave and walk up to someone and say hi, introduce yourself and ask them if they would like to play. I tell her that she is such a fun, kind and caring girl and that anyone would be lucky to be her friend!

It worked!

Man, I can’t believe how easy that was. I wasn’t sure if she would buy it but sure enough brave little Lucy walked across the room and just like that, they were BFFs and over the next few months so became the Sippy Cup Stackers and myself.

To my surprise, only 1 of the 3 has a clean house and no crushed goldfish in her car but she also sometimes sucks her thumb, so… it equals out.  All 3 prefer Tim’s over home brewed and remember that perfectly draped scarf; well it had Kraft Dinner stuck inside. All 3 just naturally have good hair (…bitches) and their kids do  not patiently play with their toys while they manicure themselves.  As for the Sippy cups… they were not stacked and I’m happy to report the lid to cup ratio was 1-8.

Turns out, we are all looking for the same thing. People, who can relate, understand and not judge the craziness that motherhood brings out in us all. We want to be reassured by others erratic behaviors and poorly behaved children, that we are in fact “normal” and this is all part of parenting. We want to be able to take our children to others homes which are free of glass vases, carpet and white furniture. We want to know that if we have a booger or a sticker attached to our shoulder, they are going to tell us. We also want to know that the person across from us will not be offended when they are telling us a story and our heads are turned in the opposite direction for 90% of it.

Photo: www.cooladvices.com

As Patti Stranger says (sort of), ‘Mom Friends, everyone wants it, but not everyone finds it.’  So be brave Moms and just say hi, or if that doesn’t work use your children to do it for you. Trust me, finding a good mom friend is worth it!

 

Rebecca West (Fredericton, NB)