My oldest son is painfully shy, even around the people he’s known since the day he was born. When I take him to daycare, he grabs my leg and doesn’t want to let go. He hides his face and doesn’t want anyone to talk to him. After a few minutes, he comes around and is off like nothing happened. If this is the reaction he has with the people he sees every day, you can probably imagine what it’s like when strangers (whether adult or child) approach him and attempt to make conversation or friends. I should clarify that no adults are randomly walking up and striking a long conversation with my four year old, because full stop. But in a lineup at the store or at a restaurant, sometimes people are just being friendly and try to speak to him. Children at the park want to play with him and he wants nothing to do with them. He will run away or pretend they don’t exist. Please don’t take it personal. It’s not you, it’s him. And I’m totally fine with that. Hear me out.

First of all, he is 100% allowed to be who he is. He is timid by nature and I will never tell him that he should be sorry for that. I don’t think it’s rude and he doesn’t owe anything to anyone. If he is content to play alone at the park, so be it. Yes, maybe your little ones are very social and you take them to the park to make friends, but if my son isn’t interested in that, I won’t guilt him or reprimand him to force a “friendship” that he doesn’t want. And I won’t deny him the chance to play and enjoy said park simply because he wants to enjoy it alone. If you look at me for an explanation, I will state to you that he is shy and leave it at that. I will not apologize for it and I won’t ask him to apologize either.

Secondly, there are no unwritten rules of etiquette for toddlers. If you are near one in a line-up, or walking by on the trail, and you try and make some sort of small talk with a toddler, you are basically setting yourself up for a hit or miss situation. Maybe some kids are going to answer, and maybe some aren’t. We’re always telling our children not to talk to strangers and then we are unhappy when they listen? It’s not that easy to explain the difference between a “safe” stranger and a “bad” stranger. Things are very black and white to my child (I wonder where he gets that from…) and he’s at the very early stages of understanding the grey areas of everyday life. The “bad” stranger will most likely start up a conversation the exact same way as a “safe” stranger. I’m totally fine with him ignoring all strangers if he wants to until he’s older and more capable of understanding the dangers a few of them may pose.

Finally, my main reason for not apologizing? He’s four. While I do believe children should be held to a certain standard acceptable in society (Hitting another child? Hard no. Apologize and we are leaving. No compromise.), I don’t believe it should be the same standard we would expect from an adult. Would you expect an adult to be forced into a casual situation that makes them uncomfortable? Of course not. So why do some people have that same expectation of a child? We would never expect an adult to apologize for not wanting to become friends and play with another adult simply because they are both in the same area, so why do we expect it from children?

I see the struggle and the toll it takes on my son to be so shy and I do hope he outgrows it one day, but if he doesn’t, he will know without a doubt that he is perfectly fine the way he is. There is no reason to apologize for being yourself.

Jeannine