Over the past 15 years, I have worked with children with extreme challenging behaviours and I must say, that I’m able to stay pretty calm even during the wildest of temper tantrum tornadoes! I have mastered the art of “not reacting” after a challenging behaviour occurs in order to reduce the likelihood that I may accidentally provide positive reinforcement for the behaviour. There is one situation in which I can’t seem to stay calm and it doesn’t involve a child’s behaviour. These little ones can spit, kick, scream, swear and steal and I likely won’t react. The situation…..the one I can’t ignore…… is the dreaded response to a suggestion of using effective positive reinforcement: “that’s bribery”.

I will take this as an opportunity to lay some groundwork in establishing a better understanding that POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT IS NOT BRIBERY.

Positive reinforcement, plain and simple, is effective. It is embedded into everything we do. Healthy choices, going to work, unloading the dishwasher, and turning on the TV: all of the actions that occur regularly in our days, receive some sort of reinforcement.

The Mirriam-Webster definition of bribery is: to influence the judgment or conduct of (someone) with or as if with offers of money or favor. It also explains that that term is associated with illegal and immoral behaviour. Teaching your child to behave properly is not illegal nor is it immoral.

This definition does not define the impact of bribery on behaviour. Bribery generally happens in response to a challenging behaviour and as an attempt to correct the behaviour.  For example: a child is asked to put on their shoes, they say  “no” and then a parent makes an offer like “if you put on your shoes, I will give you a gummy bear”. Let’s not pretend that this doesn’t happen all the time (I’ve done it too, guys), but if you stay with me here, I can give you a much more effective alternative.

Here is an example of a bribe and I will contrast it with effective reinforcement.  Suppose your child is jumping on the sofa and you ask her or him to stop.  The child does not stop so you then say, “if you get down now, I will give you a candy.”  That is a bribe because the positive (candy) is offered directly following a negative behaviour (I.e., jumping on the sofa).  In contrast reinforcement works as follows:  Suppose your child is jumping on the sofa and you ask her or him to stop.  The child does not stop so you then either remove the child or follow up with time-out.  However, the next day, the same child is playing on the floor. You approach and say to her or him, “I love that you are following our rule to play on the floor and not jump on the sofa.  Here is a treat for following our rule.”

Positive reinforcement is not bribery because it is delivered as a consequence for a positive behavior rather than offered as a consequence for a negative behaviour.  Positive reinforcement is used to strengthen the future occurrence of the behaviour.

So, when your child does something that you like: pay attention, reinforce them! Let them know how awesome it is, and if you’re feeling really sweet, give them a little something special.

For example: Let’s say that your child usually has a hard time getting dressed to go to daycare (snow pants, boots, coat, ugh!). On Monday, they show improved independence or cooperation. Let them know how proud you are! Maybe tell them “you did that part by yourself! For a special treat, you can play your favorite game on my phone on the way to daycare”.

If you want to entice (NOT BRIBE) your child to do this same behaviour again: you can offer a gentle reminder on the next day “remember how nicely you got dressed yesterday? If you do that again today, we can stop for a timbit on the way to daycare!” If the cooperation happens: amazing! If it doesn’t: do not offer a bribe, just let it go and get out that door in the best way you know how.

Many people are worried that if they start to use positive reinforcement with their child, their child will become dependent on it. This is not the case. Pair your positive reinforcement with some nice praise, and what you are doing is teaching your child to seek your attention in many positive ways.

Positive reinforcement is everywhere, we all need it (and it’s not bribery!).  We work because we get paid (reinforcement), we eat so that we can survive and feel good (reinforcement), we exercise for the endorphins (reinforcement) for health (reinforcement) and sometimes to look good (reinforcement). Reinforcement is a part of our lives, and makes our lives better.  We do not become monsters because of it, and neither will your children. Thanks to positive reinforcement we have motivation to behave in certain ways, we know when we did something well and we feel good about ourselves afterwards.

Who could ask for anything more?

Emily Forestell

Email: emilyforestell@gmail.com | Phone: 506 260 5153