Yup that’s right, I’m going to go there. Sex! Say it with me – SEX! Although I am not a sex therapist, sex expert, psychologist, or doctor, I have had sex both before and after children, and think I can speak a little bit about the experience. Before proceeding with this piece, I want to make a few important points. Firstly, I am writing this from the perspective of someone in a loving, consensual, heterosexual partnership. Secondly, this is strictly an opinion piece and is not intended to be anything more than humorous. Of course, everyone’s sexual experiences are different; some are good, some are bad. I am not writing this to offer professional advice, but to outline the way I see and have heard from others how things changed, at least for a short while. And in doing so, I hope that first time moms can feel comforted and others can relate. Thirdly, there are many different forms of motherhood – you don’t need to birth a baby to become a new mother, and many of the points below will still apply. And if reading about sex makes you squirm, I would suggest stopping here.

Despite living in a culture where sex is sold to us on a daily, nay hourly basis, it is still a taboo topic, particularly for new mothers who may feel alien in their own skin. After all, it is sex that brought you your precious baby but after going through that physical trauma, it is hard to imagine anything going in where a human just came out. In my situation, my first born was removed with forceps and I had an episiotomy. The very thought of having sex after that was enough to make me throw up and grab my crotch. I hate to say that, but it’s true. The first time having sex after that was terrifying. I knew I wanted to but the thought of going through with it made me put if off a lot longer than was necessary. It reminded me of my very first time, except this time I knew what to expect and that made it even more scary. I clearly recall essentially doing Lamaze breathing and repeating “Go slow” every two seconds to cope with it. I think I even squealed…and not in the good way. Poor guy. I cannot imagine how any part of that was a turn on, especially since my motto was a very open “Let’s get this over with.” Hot.

It is no surprise that once you have a baby, your body changes. Areas of my body that I once had confidence in (hey there, legs and ass) were no longer firm, and the areas that I was already insecure about (looking at you stomach) had obviously been stretched and softened. As if I wanted to be naked, let alone naked and sexy. I didn’t feel sexy…hell, I didn’t even feel human! It is hard in the beginning to see yourself beyond the sweat pants and old t-shirts covered in spit up. I remember being shocked that my husband wanted to touch me, considering I put quite a few restrictions on the act: lights off, under the covers, nothing crazy or fun.  Let me also mention, my breasts were sore as hell and served a purpose other than pleasure. What were once perky and fun were now a source of food, every two hours, and were cracked and bleeding. How hot is that? I found my confidence took a big hit and the last thing I wanted was to feel sexual. I didn’t recognize myself and didn’t want to be touched feeling so foreign in my own skin.

But it’s not just the body that takes a hit after having children. Not only does your body feel destroyed, your energy levels are down the drain. A lot of this can be contributed to hormones, as well as obviously the complete and utter lack of sleep. I had no energy to do more than shower and feed myself. My bed time was my child’s nap time, and there was no way I would take that opportunity to have sex. Some people might think that maternity leave is all yoga and latte-sipping, but in reality, the priorities are sanity and possibly a meal squeezed in here and there. I was exhausted and any free time I had was spent relaxing, not taking off my clothes.

After your children are born, they grow up and are…AROUND! That means that sex takes place typically after they are asleep, the lunches are made, school bags are packed, and clean up is done. My days are crazy busy, and it’s often 9 pm by the time I finish everything, just in time to head to bed. Aside from being exhausted (as noted above), I am also deathly afraid of waking up the children or being caught red handed. No one wants to catch their parents having sex and I certainly don’t want to be caught by my children. Sex after baby doesn’t always feel like an opportunity to wine and dine, but dine and dash – quiet, quick, and to the point. In order to have a night of passion, I have to have no one in the house and likely not even be in my own house but on vacation somewhere else! Once you have children, dream vacations to exotic destinations tend to take a backseat to the day-to-day.

Through all this, my husband never stopped wanting to have sex (surprise surprise) but I take it as a compliment that he was still attracted to me in some of my worst physical and emotional moments. My body did slowly come back around, although not without hard work and still not where I want it to be. My body shape has changed and I am still working to find the confidence in that, but overall, I am happy where I am. Some women can embrace their shape, feel sexy, confident, and proud in what their body has accomplished. I say Amen to that and raise my glass to them. They are my goals. Sex also stopped being scary and started feeling good again. There are nights when I feel like I have been hit by a bus and want to get into my fleece jammies, not to then have them removed. But I’m far more likely to get in the mood than a couple years ago. Sex after children changes because children change you! I know my husband doesn’t think we have sex enough and I am inclined to agree, but life gets in the way. If only there were a few more hours in a day, and a direct flight to Hawaii whenever the mood strikes.

As always, yours in honesty,

xo Holly P.

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