I want to be a surrogate – so how do I get my partner on board?

This post is presented by Proud Fertility  

So New Brunswick moms, where is your head at with becoming a surrogate?

Have you given it more thought about giving this gift of family to someone who can’t achieve one on their own? You totally want to step up and become a surrogate, but your partner has a few concerns and he/she may need some clarifications…

This is natural. Many partners don’t like the idea of their partner carrying a baby for someone else. It’s overwhelming with the plethora of potential problems.

These are just four of the common concerns of partners addressed, and you can keep these in mind as you listen to your partner’s concerns and work them out together.

1. “I can’t see us giving away any part of you..”

As a gestational surrogate, your genetics are in no way involved in the pregnancy. Many partners just can’t wrap their head around the fact that their significant other is not using their eggs. Once they have the education of how gestational surrogacy works, then this concern is easily alleviated. It’s also important to remember that you’re not ‘giving away’ anything, but you’re creating a baby that is very intentional as a gift.

A Proud Surrogate and her partner, after delivering the surrobaby for her Intended Parents

2. “How can we afford this?”

The medical procedure, medications and travel expenses are never the responsibility of the surrogate. Intended Parents are so grateful for a woman to step up to help them become parents – therefore, the surrogate is never out of pocket money. Canada allows surrogates to be reimbursed for any reasonable journey-related expenses. Such expenses include many items such as a portion of your groceries, housekeeping, snow removal and lawn care, childcare, transportation, and pain management.

A Proud Surrogate and her family with her Intended Parent, and Nathan Chan from Proud Fertility

3. “So much for having sex….”

Many partners are under the impression that they cannot have sex with their significant other when she becomes a surrogate. This can be possible because of stories they may have heard – perhaps someone else has a legal agreement that forbids the surrogate to do so. This is absolutely not true – you CAN have sex during the pregnancy! Part of the IVF medical protocol is for surrogates to abstain from vaginal intercourse a couple weeks before and after the embryo transfer.

This does not apply to cases where:

  • the surrogate has had their tubes tied;
  • the partner of the surrogate has had a vasectomy;
  • or if the surrogate is in a same-sex relationship.

Once this period of time has passed, you are free to resume all vaginal intercourse activity! (Yes, four weeks of abstinence in vaginal intercourse activity may be a lot for some. But this may be an opportunity for couples to explore other ways of being intimate with each other.)

Nathan Chan from Proud Fertility explores one of the many ways surrogates and their partners can access a healthy sex life during their journey.

4. “ How are we protected?”

Many partners are worried that their family is not protected. There is a legal agreement where the partner is involved and included.

This agreement puts in writing what parties are agreeing to. There are many parts of this agreement that protect the surrogate’s family including clauses on:

  • bedrest (ie. if the surrogate is put on medical bedrest, the intended parents are responsible for reimbursing additional bedrest expenses such as additional childcare and housekeeping)
  • life insurance
  • reimbursements of journey-related expenses

A Proud Surrogate and her partner, and her Intended Parents after their Embryo Transfer

At the end of the day, it is important to remember that becoming a surrogate is a big decision, and a personal one. If you are in a relationship, it is a decision that affects not only yourself but also your partner. Remember to take the time to understand what your partner’s concerns are and to keep in mind that everyone responds in a unique way. Sometimes a little bit of education is all it takes.

Three relevant blogs you should check out!

Surrogate X Chronicle: The Support of My Partner (as a Surrogate)
Perspective from a Surrogate’s Life-Partner
5 Questions You Might be Asked if Your Wife is a Surrogate

To begin your surrogacy, please submit an Interest Form or learn more here at: http://proudfertility.com/begin-surrogacy.

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