Sibling Rivalry: What it’s really about | Amy Kervin

Sibling Rivalry: What it’s really about

It began as a disagreement over Lego. One wanted the bad guys to conquer the good guys; the other wanted the good guys to prevail.

From there, it escalated quickly. While my youngest was able to articulate that he was willing to find a solution, my oldest was digging her heels in and refusing to budge. She began taunting him, doing her best to get a physical reaction out of him. It was a fight she was looking for, not just with her brother, but also with me.

What if I told you that when issues arise between siblings, it’s less about the issues between the children, and far more about the relationship each child has with their parents?

All behaviour is communication. Our children are often not capable of articulating their feelings with words, but their behaviour will tell us what they need from us…if we listen.

However, parents often get stuck on behaviour. Stuck playing referee. We can’t stay out of their arguments completely, but we also have to be careful not to take sides. The minute we walk into a sibling disagreement and ask one child what happened (usually a question directed to the oldest), we make that child the bad guy, even when we don’t intend to.

Our role is not to be judge and jury. Our role is to teach social skills, build a foundation of love and respect, and help our children learn to problem solve. They don’t learn these skills when we get involved and try to solve it for them. Instead, we can practice healthy ways to guide our children toward a positive relationship. One thing that works wonderfully for us is ‘broadcasting’ what is happening: John, I hear that you want to play cards and, Joe, I hear you want to play tag. You both feel upset. How can we work this out? What are some ideas?

Back to the situation I described at the start between my own kids. We separated the kids, and we took time to empathize with each one. We had to limit the behaviour we were seeing to keep them both safe (and us sane), but we also needed to allow each child to have ALL their feelings heard. After all, feeling heard and understood strengthens the parent-child relationship more than anything else we can do. It took time for my daughter to be able to tell me what was really happening with her. It began with “I hate him. He’s the worst. He never let’s me play what I want to.” I listened empathetically. And then it moved to “He’s always there. I never have time without him.” And then we arrived at “I want to play with just you or daddy. It isn’t fair – he gets to be alone with you all the time, and I’m stuck at school. I never get time with just you anymore.” And there it was. In that moment, I was reminded of what I know in my heart to be true – it always comes back to connection.

Our children need to feel that they are individually significant to each parent. When their needs for attachment, attention and individual significance are met, they are far more likely to get along. Simply put, when children feel good about themselves and their relationship with us, they get along better with one another. So, perhaps the most important question we should be asking around sibling rivalry is how do we engender good feelings within each child?

Here are some of my favourite ways to do that:

1. Each child needs alone time with each parent. It doesn’t need to be a big outing or trip somewhere, and it doesn’t have to be long, but it needs to happen regularly. Twenty minutes together doing an activity of your child’s choice is enough to help your child feel connected to you. When children feel secure in their significance to you, they do better.

2. Allow children to have their own things. That doesn’t mean you should have two of everything your kids play with, but there should be some things that are just their own, and they shouldn’t have to share them. Children who are allowed to own things, do a much better job of sharing, and they share because they choose to, not because they are forced to.

3. Don’t compare your kids to one another, and don’t ask them to compete with one another. “Let’s see who can get ready the fastest” may seem harmless (maybe even helpful), but it pits them against one another instead of encouraging them to work together.

4. Recognize your children as individuals. Allow them to have their own interests, clothing and friends. All children come to us with their own unique gifts, and it’s magnificent to see how different they are.

5. Make time to do things together as a family. Research shows that adults who describe their family as loving also define their relationship with siblings as close. So, provide lots of opportunity for experiences together and create family rituals.

Even if you do all of the suggestions here, siblings are still going to fight. That’s not only perfectly natural, it’s also an important part of life. After all, the relationship we have with our siblings may be the longest relationship we will ever have, and it’s now thought to be the most important one as well. So, take a deep breath, channel as much patience as you can muster, and remember: the sibling relationship and what they learn from it can benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Amy


Hi! I’m Amy Kervin, and I was born and raised in Miramichi, New Brunswick. I am a mama of two, an educator with a BEd from Saint Thomas University, and an advocate for children and the parents who love them. I have experienced what it’s like to be a parent who teaches full-time, stays at home with my children and most recently, works from home – and I can’t decide which is most challenging! I know the way we parent matters, and I have recently channeled that passion into my own website and blog, Love Uncluttered. I strive to live simply, parent gently and connect deeply with my children. I don’t enjoy every moment of parenting, but I find moments of joy in every day. And even on the days it’s really hard, I wouldn’t give this parenting gig up for the world.

Likes: coffee, wine…more wine, yoga, and all things design.

Dislikes: sexism, beige, clutter.

 

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